How to Have Great Sex
Song of Songs 3:1-5
In my time as a pastor in a Metropolitan Community Church congregation over the last 30 years, there have been two subjects that draw the biggest crowds to worship or to a special educational series. One is healthy relationships and the other is sex. You might have noticed that there is some connection between those two subjects. Last Sunday, Dr. Edwards talked about what makes great sex. For those of you who participated in his workshop after service, we had some really good insights about how we come to some of the ideas we have around our sexuality. Today we take it to the next step.
What do we do with our sexuality? I am often tickled by those who go to great length to ignore that sexuality is an important part of just about everything in daily life – commerce, politics and the entertainment media. Robert Waldo Brunelle Jr. noted, “All pop music is about sex. Rock is about wanting to do it, jazz is about doing it and country and western is about feeling guilty after you did it.” Tom Clancy wrote, “What do I know about sex, I’m a married man.” Drew Carey quipped one time, “You know that look women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.” Humor is always a good indicator of the level of discomfort we have with a subject – which is probably why we hear the most humor on the subjects of sex, religion, death or politics.
It seems we either joke about it or simply think that if we ignore it long enough we can pretend it doesn’t exist. Sex is big business. We hear concerns from parents that children are being bombarded with sexual messages. They are and it is something with which we are rightfully concerned because when sex – not seen as the wondrous gift of God it was created to be – instead becomes a commodity, it can easily become pornographic. Meanwhile churches seem to be sex-free zones in America. It has been my experience that people seem to think there are three sexes – women, men and clergy. I can tell you from personal experience, there isn’t anything that kills a party or clears a gay bar quicker than for the preacher to walk in. While I don’t claim to be an expert on sexuality, I have done my share of field work. And it is a good thing because there seems to be so little the institutional church has to say about sexuality except “don’t.” Catholic priests take vows of celibacy. Conservative suburban churches ask teenagers to take a “virgin pledge.” Lord knows in most churches you won’t hear anything about the myriad of sexual issues at least one of which every one of us will grapple at some point in our lives – be it sexual choices, sexual orientation, sexual ethics, sexual dysfunction, sexual harassment, etc. While the larger culture has become more and more “pornified” it seems the church has become more and more prudish.
Judaism and Christianity both started out as religions that had little trouble broaching the subject of sexuality. Look at the history of the Hebrew people and you see kings with hundreds of wives and concubines, heroes of the Bible who frequented houses of prostitution and of course the raciest book in the Bible, the Song of Songs (some know this book as the Song of Solomon) which celebrates sexuality in mystical proportions. The thrill of anticipated union with the one you yearn for – and who has considerable obstacles placed around him/her – runs as a constant thread of the story of this writing. It is a story most of us have experienced at one time or another.
Some Christians – in a failed attempt to save the Bible from challenging their own assumptions about sexual ethics – have tried to sanitize the Song of Songs as being a love story within marriage (and even then it raises a great deal of discomfort among religious folk) but it is pretty clear from the story that there are family members preventing the lovers from being constantly together. Their love affair more closely resembles the experiences of many of us who have found ourselves seeking love in the shadows because it cannot be openly blessed by the powers that be.
Like Judaism, in early Christian teachings sexuality was seen as a wonderful gift from God that enhanced the value and experience of human life. It would be much later that this idea became twisted into the popular maxim, “Sex is dirty. Save it for someone you love.” Granted, there are parts of the biblical literature one can point to as examples of Christianity’s uncomfortable relationship with sexuality. The Apostle Paul once wrote that it was better for one to marry than burn, with the implication that it was only better by a little bit! Paul also could be quoted as supporting slavery and the subjugation of women so we understand that we have to read the Bible with our intelligence fully engaged.
I have often said that sexuality and spirituality are the two aspects of human nature that touch us at our deepest levels – at the core of who we are as people. That is why we need to come to grips with both and learn how to integrate them effectively into our lives. That is why it is important to have a church such as ours where we reclaim the gift of sexual expression while acknowledging the ways that sexuality makes us – well – crazy sometimes!
Who among us hasn’t found one’s self at some point in our lives giddy with a crush, flushed with raging hormones, caught in the grip of a bad love affair or insecure about our bodies or sexual performance? We hide our discomfort behind humor, bravado or rigid rules.
The legendary performer Sting once boasted to another musician Bob Geldof that he and wife Trudi Styler were advocates of Tantric sex and could make love for up to eight hours at a time.
Several years later, he confessed that he had fluffed up the story to impress his buddy. He said, “I think I mentioned to Bob I could make love for eight hours. What I didn’t say was that this included four hours of begging plus dinner and a movie!”
Sexual discussions seem to make all of us a quivering mess at times.
[PP2] So how does one have great sex? I want to suggest to you three components that turn monotonous sex into great sex. You’ll be glad to know that I gleaned these insights not only from my own experiences but also from some experts in the field of human sexuality.
Have Integrity During the Experience
Is the sexual relationship you are in healthy, respectful, un-manipulated, and caring? If you bring anything into the experience that reduces your integrity, the power of the experience will be diminished. This can be something as complex as having unfinished business with someone else that needs to be completed before you can invest yourself in the present relationship. Or it can be as simple as having some distraction that keeps you from being present in the moment. There are probably fewer worse turn offs than having some nagging annoyance eating at you while you’re trying to be in the moment – did I leave the iron on? I really need to tell my partner about what’s going on at the office. I’m not enjoying what is happening but I don’t want to hurt their feelings. I’m not feeling respected in this experience. Those kinds of ghosts lurking around you greatly diminish the ability to give yourself to experiencing the giftedness of sexual fulfillment.
The lovers in our scripture lesson give us a good example of the cost of maintaining integrity in their relationship. For them to be true to each other means they have to defy many outside pressures on their love. They speak of the excruciating pressures brought by outside forces to prevent them from sexually fulfilling their love. We are given no easy answers but simply an example of perseverance in the face of opposition.
Have a PartnerYou Can Trust With Your Vulnerability
Our scripture passage is a good example of the emotional strain that trusting your vulnerability to your partner causes. You can almost hear the panted breath with which these words were uttered. Sex is one of the ultimate experiences of letting go of complete control. I know that men and women experience the world differently in our bodies but I believe it is true that for most of us, sex is best when you can let go of all the pretenses or fears or insecurities and just allow yourself to experience the intimacy and ecstasy of the moment. You can only do that fully with someone you trust.
I am a firm believer that the fewer secrets one has, the healthier your life. Some people can have mind-blowing sexual encounters with complete strangers. I can tell you that those encounters pale when compared to what happens when you truly trust your partner with your vulnerability and they trust you with theirs. It is a wholly different depth of joy.
What this means is that before great sex is part of your relationship package there usually has to be some pre-work that must be done. Maybe you could call it relationship foreplay? On the whole, women seem to be better at this than men. Some of that is just our biological difference but I believe it is true for all of us that the more that can be resolved mentally before underwear starts flying, the better.
Kick Your Super-ego Out of the Bedroom
The female voice in our passage had no problem imagining bringing her lover to her mother’s bedroom. That’s probably the last image most of us want in our heads when we’re feeling romantic. Freud called that voice in the back of our brains that sounds parental or judgmental the “Super Ego.” It is a part of our psyche – distinct from the other parts of our personalities identified by Freud as the Id and Ego. The “Super Ego” usually has a “should” in it somewhere, either explicitly or implicitly. “You should be better at this. You shouldn’t do that! You want to do what with my what? You should know what your partner needs without he/she telling you.” Should, should, should. I want you to ask yourselves, haven’t you been “should” upon enough? Whatever past experiences – parental scolding, faces of shaming nuns or preachers, or other pictures you might have in your head – they need to be left at the bedroom door – or the kitchen door if you’re feeling particularly adventurous!
So, preacher, how do you do that? How do you turn off those old tapes? How do you let go of all the distractions of children, work, hectic routines, old tapes and the grocery list?
Did I say this was easy? It’s not. Like anything that is important in life, it takes commitment to progress – giving yourself and your partner grace when either is struggling to be fully present – and keeping in mind that there is something deeper inside of you that you are yearning to express through this marvelous gift with which God has blessed our lives.
You know, we adults get so caught up in technique and body image and all the other check lists that we keep in those dusty recesses in our brains. You want great sex? Then the most important thing to put into the experience is your heart. When it comes from in here and it is received in here by another, there isn’t anything that beats it.
So, you will probably never hear another preacher tell you this but I’m going to: “Go and enjoy great sex!” And tell your partner, "My preacher told me to do this!"
Sources:
www.homileticsonline.com Pornified, Prude-ified or Purified, September 2006.
http://www.3rdmarines.net/Vietnam_Combat_humor_II.htm Sexual humor
http://www.redneck-humor.com/content/17380.html Sexual humor